So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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