i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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