I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
