We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
