Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
