Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
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