I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
