We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
