Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
