The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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