I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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