There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize