Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
