On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
