Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
