It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
