My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
