You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
