Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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