Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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