We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
