I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
