i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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