Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
