Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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