He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
