I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
