I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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