I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
