You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
