kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
