halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
