Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
