I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
