if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
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