ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
