marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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