my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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