We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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