I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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