We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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