Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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