I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
