I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i dont even know how to be here
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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