How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
