did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
