Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
