something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
