Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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