sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
