Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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