Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
