OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You are the jesus of drinking
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
