Welp...herpes.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
