i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
