I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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