I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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