That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
