Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
